My Superpowers Come with a Price

I’m the daughter to two parents of Irish-Catholic descent. I share this detail because it impacts my life fundamentally. I grew up with lots of aunts and uncles and cousins. As a child, I was never bored or alone, as there was always family around and activities happening. It filled my childhood with an abundance of love and attention. Conversely, there was and still is also a lot of dysfunction, especially related to alcoholism.

My parents separated when I was 5 or 6 years old, and went through a pretty lengthy and nasty divorce. As an adult, I’ve come to realize that this has had a profound impact on who I am today. But I’d like to think that most of those effects have positively affected and shaped the woman I’ve become.

I am incredibly driven, and hold myself to very high standards. I can be impulsive, preferring action over deep analysis--especially in response to a crisis. I prefer to rely solely on myself. I am incredibly loyal to and protective of the people I trust and love. And my love language is words of affirmation. These same traits, among a litany of others, have served me very well in my professional life.

On the flipside, these traits have come with a price. Because of my high aspirations and drive, I often prioritize my work above everything else. Because of my high (and sometimes unattainable) standards, I suffer from anxiety and often struggle with low self-esteem, self-doubt, self-loathing and depression when those standards are not met. My preference to rely solely on myself (especially financially) means I find it incredibly challenging to ask for help. My loyalty can sometimes be misplaced, but it is often difficult for me to recognize that and make the necessary changes. And although I appreciate gifts, quality time, physical touch and acts of service, hearing that I did a “good job” from someone who doesn't often give out praise is worth more than any sum of money to me.

What I didn’t know until recently was that all of these are also common traits among children of alcoholics.

Reading the list of traits common among Adult Children of Alcoholics was strange to me. On the one hand, I felt understood, but simultaneously struggled to understand how my strengths are a response to trauma. It created a moment of cognitive dissonance. Is it possible that something that society deems as being a negative, can also be my superpower?

Thanks to therapy, an incredibly understanding husband, and a wonderfully imperfect family through blood and bond, I believe they can. As my mom would say, “It’s making the most of what you’ve got.”

I have and will continue to create and build awesome things because of my drive and high standards. Because I am cool under pressure. Because I am able to separate my feelings and respond with rational action in a crisis. Because I am not afraid to go the road alone, although I am much more aware to ask for help when I need it. And because I have become more discerning with where I place my loyalties and prioritize my time.

Everyone has some form of trauma in their life, and I expect that like me it defines you in one way or another. But my key takeaway from this is learning that a negative (or trauma) can metamorphosis into a positive and an incredible superpower.